The Inside Stairs, which scramble the brains of SLOHS students. Photo Courtesy of senior Lauren Weyel.

  Dear San Luis Obispo High School students: 

  You are no stranger to stairs. You run up and down the adult school stairs, the half ramp/half stairs to the science building, and the tiny staircase to the new building. However, you now have to face a whole new monster: Inside Stairs. 

  “Everyone walks on the Inside Stairs wrong and it is the bane of my existence,” said senior Adam Frederick. 

  Over 3/4 of the SLOHS student body have never had to deal with Inside Stairs, which is evident from taking one look at the Inside Stairwell leading up to the new classrooms. This Inside Stairwell is such a mess that during passing period, Going Up students have taken to waiting for Coming Down students to exit, instead of living in Two-Way Traffic Harmony. The one brave Going Up student who pushes their way through the hoard gets crushed in the bodies or stranded on the Middle Landing. 

  This is no way for you to live. The future is in Two-Way Traffic Harmony. Please, for the love of Measure D, learn proper stair etiquette.

  Now this should go without saying: we live in America. As license-seeking sophomores will soon learn, Americans drive on the right side of the road. Miraculously, this trick works no matter which way you are going! If you drove to a place driving on the right side of the road, going back you will also stay on the right side of the road! How this is possible, we may never know. Simply trust the process without questioning it too hard, like a math problem, and lean towards the right side of the Inside Stairs. If the Going Down people stick close to their right and the Going Up people stick close to their right, boom! Two-Way Traffic Harmony!

  Here’s a quick tip if this is a difficult concept for you: try to keep one hand on the handrail to your right at all times. If you can touch the handrail on your left, you’ve gone too far and have wrecked the Two-Way Traffic Harmony.

  Do I understand that the Inside Stair traffic will be mitigated once the other Inside Stairwell opens up?

Yes.

Will I still be adamant about Inside Stair etiquette no matter the volume of traffic on the Inside Stairs?

Indubitably.

If you are walking down the Inside Stairs on your left side, I will of course be walking up on my right, and I will NOT move at the last minute, even if we are the only two people on the said Inside Stairs. I will play the game of Inside Stairs Chicken until one of us falls. 

  It’s not that hard.

It’s basic Inside Stair etiquette.

If you try to walk on the left side of Inside Stairs at literally any other establishment, you will receive the most withering looks you have ever seen. And in that moment, you will have a flashback transcending time and space, bringing you back to the time you read this article and thought, “Why does she care so much about Inside Stairs? And why is it capitalized? Does she think she’s funny?”, and you will be filled with regret to the point where the combination of the withering stare plus the regret will cause you to collapse on the spot.

  It’s not that hard. Stay to the right.