Photo courtesy of senior scrooge Sofia Shaw.

  Some San Luis Obispo High School students are in high spirits for the holiday season. Others are feeling completely clueless when it comes to attending holiday gatherings this season.

So, here are some satirical tips from the SLOHS Expressions experts on how to behave at this year’s holiday functions.

  “I’m excited to go to holiday gatherings this year, all things considered. Who knew we could make it this far?” said junior Olivia Cusick.

  First things first: it’s imperative that someone bring up the time they caught COVID. People love to hear about how their close friend or family member was irresponsible and put others at risk. Nothing screams, “I’m grateful you’re here,” like a play by play of an illness that has actually devastated the entire globe. Especially if both members of the conversation are unmasked. So, why not be that person. 

  Next, make sure to show the other person in the conversation the entirety of your camera roll from the past year. Especially all of the TikToks that are no longer relevant and all of the videos of you crying while posing in a mirror. They’ll nod and give a courtesy laugh occasionally: what more could a person ask for? 

  If anyone has expressed that they have dietary restrictions, make sure to completely ignore them when deciding on a dish to bring. If it’s even a mild inconvenience for you, why bother?

It’s much easier to be completely inconsiderate of other people’s needs. Vegan, gluten-free, paleo: throw it all out the window. Bring something chock full of animal products, wheat, and refined sugar. 

  Finally, make sure to look absolutely miserable the entire time. After a year of having almost no presence in a joyful and positive space, it’s vital to shove your terrible attitude down everyone’s throats. Emphasize how terrible the past couple of years have been and then sulk in a corner. 

  Happy holidays and bah humbug, Tigers!

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