This image probably represents something deep and meaningful. Graphic courtesy of senior Lucia McCarthy Zirion.
The plight of the youth today lies in a drought of knowledge. The insatiable thirst for deeper meaning to the universe lies dormant in many San Luis Obispo High School students. The attendees of SLOHS scramble around, worrying about grades, popularity, colleges, and never stop to ponder what the point of everything is.
To highlight this unacceptable wisdom shortage within our school, we interviewed a variety of students on what they thought the meaning of life was. Here’s why they’re all wrong.
Expressions: What is the meaning of life?
Senior Lila Crozier: To live and to have fun.
Expressions: WRONG! If the meaning of life was to live, then the meaning of knife would be to knive. Ponder on that for a moment, dear reader.
Senior Mateus Iscold: Whatever is going to make you the happiest in the way that hurts you the least.
WRONG! There are a lot of masochists out there that would disagree with you, Mr. Iscold.
Sophomore Zandora Staley: To have fun with your friends.
WRONG! Fun was invented by big pharma to sell more adderall. Wake up, sheep.
Senior Selma Von Bischopinck: N/A, there is none.
Expressions: WRONG! Oh come on, you can be more creative than that.
Senior Carlos Vargas: Well, the meaning of life, the universe and everything is 42, right? So what’s 42 divided by three?
Expressions: I don’t know, but it’s not an integer.
Vargas: Wait, 42…carry the one…around 16.
Expressions: Wait, I think it is an integer.
Vargas: What, 42?
Expressions: No. Well yes. But I meant 42 over three is an integer.
Vargas: Can SLO Expressions only take complete integers?
Expressions: No, no I just mean it’s harder to divide a non-integer. But I think it’s thirteen. No, wait…it’s not…fourteen? Fourteen. No, wait.
Vargas: …
Expressions: yeah, it’s fourteen.
Vargas: So it’s fourteen.
Expressions: WRONG! Uh, I’d actually rather we just skip over this one since I’m rather embarrassed by my math skill here.
Sophomore Charlie Biggers: To be happy and find love.
Expressions: WRONG! I haven’t been happy in over five years and my life has plenty of meaning! It…it does have meaning, right? I have a purpose, right? …right?
Sophomore Corban Lewis: To reproduce.
Expressions: WRONG! You are a strange man Mr. Lewis and please don’t talk to me again.
So, dear reader, you may be wondering: if all these unwise fools’ are woefully wrong about the meaning of life, what is its true meaning? The answer, my friends, is very simple. The meaning of life is to criticize and disagree with everyone you meet without providing reasonable elaboration or solutions of your own.
Follow this doctrine and you’ll be just like me: Happy, content, and completely mentally stable.
