Problems, we all have them. Many go through life never getting answers to life’s elusive questions, but finally there’s a solution: Zach Wise. That’s right, finally you can get the advice you seek from a truly wise man. I recently collected a series of anonymous questions and I have provided the best possible answers. To those who wish to submit answerable questions, preferably ones asking for advice, you can contact me through using the following number: (805) 602-7925.

Dear Zach,

My girlfriend and I are in a huge fight and we need mediation. She thinks Code Red Mountain Dew is better, but I think OG Mountain Dew is the best. What can I do to convince her?

Sincerely,

A Daily Dew-er

A Daily Dew-er,

I see the dilemma. As a couple, you want to be exactly alike, but sometimes your opinions may differ. Over small matters I think it’s best to just accept the other’s opinion and go on loving them the same, but this is no minor issue. Anyone who thinks Code Red is better is a fool. Everyone knows Mountain Dew’s original formula is what has made the company so successfully delicious. There is science to prove it. I say have her taste both next to each other. If she still chooses Code Red, I think it’s time to end things between you guys. You’re welcome.