These are some shoes to steer clear of. Photo collage courtesy of Emerson Oetman.

Matisse Classy Mule

What is this cyber truck meets medieval court slipper ahh shoe? They look like Elon Musk designed them during a power outage. Ain’t no way you walking in these without feeling like a dejected Transformer. They got that USB flash drive build; walking in those ‘bout to feel like balancing on a rusty razor blade.  

Yeezy Foam Runner 

Okay, these Yeezy Moon Crater 3000’s gotta go. What in the croissant caught in a sandstorm crap is this? Your dogs are getting absolutely no coverage in these termite-infested tree abominations. These shoes looking like they came with more holes than a government budget and a spaceship parking pass.

Croc Bae Clog

You ain’t catching no one in these clown shoes but my grandma. These clogs ain’t about to support your rapidly deteriorating mental health, especially after a day of zumba classes and intense couponing. Don’t be rolling around on these things like you’re 4’3 and about to yap to the grocery store clerk about your favorite neurosurgeon grandson.

Toy Panta Denim Ankle Boots

Okay, what even are these boots? They look like your old denim jacket from the 2000’s had a midlife crisis and decided to identify as a shoe. You’re bout to stick those things in a toilet bowl the way that heel be looking like a plunger. They know where they belong. This is upcycling taken way too far the way these be looking like something out of a Five Minute Crafts video.

Skechers Mega Blade

Nah cuz who be pulling up to the function in these centipede lookin’ monstrosities? If you wearing Skechers in general you probably have a dad that says “come on gang!” when you go out for your family five-person bike ride. You probably pair these with a bright orange cringy gamer graphic tee.