”We suffer more in imagination than in reality,” said author Lucius Annaeus Seneca. Photo courtesy of senior Jordenn Valle Gearhart.

  The worst pain is the type you don’t understand, that’s what I realized after I was broken up with.

  It was just a wholesomely ignorant high school relationship, so I didn’t get why I would wake up at random points during the night stressing over what caused it to fall apart and being depressed about what I lost.

  It wasn’t something that should have come as much of a shock either, considering quite a few high school relationships only last six months to a year.

  This confusion and sadness turned into resentment and bitterness. There was an incident about two weeks after the breakup where me and my ex were talking in a group chat, among other people. She made an edgy comment which wasn’t out of character for her. I decided to blow it out of proportion and report her to the school for it. I don’t know if she got in trouble since we stopped talking after I told her what I did.

  I didn’t actually care about what she said, I just wanted revenge so I could feel better.

  The breakup happened shortly before summer, so I would spend almost the entirety of June and July being confused, depressed, and angry. I knew this couldn’t continue or else it would break me. 

  I turned to the internet for advice and ended up falling into a rabbit hole of all sorts of philosophy and psychology, which I’m happy about because I found out how much I enjoy researching and learning about those subjects.

  I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve done, what my ex did, why we weren’t compatible, and what I should do now. I put together some steps of things I wish I did differently, as well as things I’ve done that helped a lot in getting through the breakup.

  The framework of my solution is to distance yourself from your ex. Not doing this was a bad idea because it made me do irrational things out of anger, like the incident I talked about at the beginning. 

  But it also caused me to act out of desperation to get my ex back, which led me to go out and buy her a gift and write a letter with it. My intention was for her to throw herself into my arms and cry about how sweet I am and how she wants me back, when that didn’t happen, it only made me feel embarrassed and worse about the breakup.

  All of this happened because I refused to let go of her for just a little bit so I could examine the situation properly. Buying gifts and writing cute letters was never going to work if I couldn’t explain why she broke up with me to begin with.

  That’s what you must understand first, and keeping your ex close to you will get in the way of that examination process. Holding onto what you lost will only make you more depressed, which turns to anger real quick.

  Now, how exactly does one examine why everything fell apart? Look at the “Big Five” personality traits.

  Openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism are the primary traits which make up one’s personality. Relationships live or die based on these traits. Look at each of these in depth and figure out which ones were most contrasting between you and your partner’s levels of them.

  Extraversion is the measure of how socially open someone is, among other things. I’m a socially awkward person, I find it difficult to know the right things to say during emotionally intimate conversations and situations. 

  This made it seem like I didn’t care enough about my ex, when in contrast, she was a very extraverted person. It was difficult for her to relate to or understand my situation because of that. That’s why she chose to end our relationship.

  Since the start of this school year, I’ve become a much more open and risky person, and I have felt better for it. There are some people who excel with introverted personalities, it gives an opportunity for reflection and decision making that can be taken advantage of greatly if handled and communicated with others properly. It just wasn’t for me.

  So, I distanced myself from my ex, took time to reflect, and changed myself for the better. I hold no resentment toward her, because she didn’t hurt me maliciously. She looked at who I was and decided I wasn’t who she was looking for.

  That’s the saddest thing to accept, It’s easy to get lost in my thoughts of what I could’ve done differently to keep her. Me and her aren’t fighting anymore, and we are currently friends. When I talk to her now, I see that she’s aiming for things that will make her better than she was yesterday, and the day before that.

  I can’t keep losing my mind over what I lost, I need to learn from it and take the necessary steps to minimize the probability of it happening again. I need to be better than I was yesterday.

  You get over a breakup when you realize this. Whether or not your partner will come back to you is the wrong question. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, and that’s why it’s ridiculous to strive for happiness.

  You won’t be happy all the time, it’s not a sustainable emotion. I was happy with my ex, and when she left I was devastated. What I always had with or without her was a question: How can I improve myself? I didn’t answer that question when I was with her, and that’s why our relationship ended.

  Never let anyone tell you you’re perfect the way you are, because everybody is broken in at least five ways. That mindset is what keeps you from growing.

  So pick up the pieces of your broken heart, take a good look at them, and move forward with your newfound knowledge of improvement. Whoever it may be with, your future relationship will be much stronger at its foundation.

Sources: wikipedia.org,onlinedivorce.com